It’s been almost six months since I graduated from UCLA as an Economics major and moved to Manhattan to work as an Associate. I want to share some reflections on what this experience has felt like for me, and maybe you can relate to it if you’ve moved cities or move around often for travel, school, or work.
Since moving to New York, I’ve learned a lot and the learning curve was unexpectedly steep. Enter me five months prior, a young, optimistic, and (I’ll say this truthfully) naive college senior with a habit of building dreams around cities. I won’t say that it’s a terrible thing to be guilty of, but with change comes circumstantial challenges and obstacles. Adjustment is a process for me. I think of myself as an adaptive individual, but I have a tendency to run straight into the cyclone heart of situations where the path pulls away and disappears into thin air as I’m walking. I love to broaden my horizons, so I have this element of courage in jumping into new countries, cities, and roles, often alone. I don’t always have a plan. I run with the wind, and as an optimistic don’t foresee that the wind could very likely blow in the direction opposite of my hopes.
Do you relate to what I’m about to say? Even with a full circle of support (which I count my lucky stars for every single day), I can’t help but feel overwhelmingly alone at times with all my thoughts, frustrations, and worries. Have you ever had this thought or worry? Growing up, I’ve struggled in sharing my thoughts and fears with my loved ones. I didn’t want to admit to my problems because I was afraid that would make them real when I wanted to pretend they weren’t there lurking in shadows. Vulnerability is like a muscle that you can flex and strengthen over time, and I’ve learned to be more vulnerable. But at the same time, loneliness is a word that comes up often these recent years as I move from city to city, community to community. Loneliness is common in our modern world, especially amplified by big cities filled with thousands of busy people.
Now, I’m in New York. After all these years, I’ve finally made it here, and I’ve put a cherry on top of my own sundae and scooped it out with a shiny spoon, popped it in my mouth, and chewed and chewed and chewed victoriously. Then I think to myself: now what? I’m left with the aftertaste of maraschino and a bit of confusion towards what I had been exactly expecting.
New York is it’s own beautiful beast. Today I had coffee with a friend who told me she had considered moving to New York after graduation, and didn’t, because she knew she was the type of person who got FOMO. For those of you born before 1995, FOMO means fear of missing out- a real and prevalent phenomenon, might I add! My head was nodding in response and in that moment I fervently wished I had had this conversation earlier. “I can’t look at people doing all these fun and fantastic things while I’m stuck at my nine to five,” she continued. We were going up an escalator but ironically I felt my heart sinking a step. In college, I hadn’t had the foresight to fully understand what my working life would look like and now I often found myself in this situation that she was contemplating.
Yet, part of me knows that there is something meaningful in this city that I want to find. Although my path is still not clear, I am setting out every day to find it. Since the very first time I came to this city, I felt this feeling of greatness, and upon revisiting through the years, I always believed that there was an original and intensely artistic and passionate energy in New York that I was drawn to.
So in a series of posts, let’s unravel the experiences of this 22 year old girl (aka me), first from the Bay Area, then to the concrete sprawl of Los Angeles, and finally landing (but not resting) in Manhattan. I can’t say that six months in, I would call myself a New Yorker or feel that this is my city yet, as I am still in that hazy period of swimming through the stimulus and establishing my footing. I wouldn’t kiss the ground (it is very dirty) but I am terribly, terribly excited to be here, vulnerability and all.
thanks for sharing my experience through this post! please do let me know if you’ve experienced any similar feelings so we can facepalm and tap our fingers together trying to think of some ways to expedite the adjustment process… xoxo
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