I got to know you really well through the eight weeks we spent together freshmen year and you were such a bright, kind soul. You really were; everyone will always be touched by the radiance you had. Your smile always made me smile too. I wish I could have talked to you or seen you again. I wish you could have joked about frozen peaches again, or that we could have played more card games with everyone else. Mostly, I wish I had been more there for you. I wish that we’d really stop and talk each time we passed each other in the halls. I love you so much and really miss you. No one wants to believe this is happening.
Nico, there’s still so much more I want to say to you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you the way you were there for everyone else. We sat together in my freshmen year, and I really believed, over the voices of all those adults, that we would make it. You taught me soccer tricks, you were always so kind, and always smiling. I thought we were healing, but I was the only one who was really healing. I turned a blind eye to your pain because I got better. I’m sorry, I really am so sorry.
Nico, the last thing you ever said to me was that you had no idea what you were doing with your life, and all I said in return was “yea.” I wish that I had instead biked over to see you, called you, or just took the time to tell you that I believe confusion and sadness is transient, but I didn’t. I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish, so wrapped up in my own problems. The entire world is a now darker place with the absence of your light. I, and so many others all loved you. And I hate myself for taking you for granted. I couldn’t take the time off my own life to talk to you, ask you how you were doing, if there was anything I could’ve done to make you happier. I would trade a thousand days now if that would’ve helped you, but you’re gone.
Nico, the last thing you ever said to me was that you had no idea what you were doing with your life, and all I said in return was “yea.” I wish that I had instead biked over to see you, called you, or just took the time to tell you that I believe confusion and sadness is transient, but I didn’t. I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish, so wrapped up in my own problems. The entire world is a now darker place with the absence of your light. I, and so many others all loved you. And I hate myself for taking you for granted. I couldn’t take the time off my own life to talk to you, ask you how you were doing, if there was anything I could’ve done to make you happier. I would trade a thousand days now if that would’ve helped you, but you’re gone.
I’m just really desperate that somehow these words can get through to you. I wish so hard, more than anything I’ve wished for before, that we could rewind 24 or 36 hours, that someone could have held onto you, made you stay, refused to let you out of their sight, saved your life.
I know the world can be dark, and that the human mind can be stubborn. But I wish, maybe even against your will, that we could have made you stay and healed you. Is that silly of me? Maybe it’s not what you wanted at the time, but then, maybe, ten years later, you’d be happy, living the potential that was given to you, and you would look back and be thankful. You would cherish yourself and the life given to you. I remember all those times we talked about sadness and what it meant to truly be happy. I’m so sorry Nico. I wish we’d let you go only when you’d begin to see the beauty in our world again. It does exist! You were a great part of that beauty. There was beauty in your warmth, your smile, your eyes, your kindness and humor. I hope at least when you peered down from the 19th floor of that building, you were surrounded by our love and warmth, and that you floated down on angel wings. I hope that the dark monster that chose you is gone as well. It could have been anyone.
Thinking of you and your smile makes me cry. I hope that you were able to find peace and true happiness. We really really miss you, and it’s hard to face this reality. We love you, so much, and will forever honor your memory. Hope that love and happiness traveled with you, cushioned you on your voyage to paradise.
Rest in Peace, my dear friend.
-A
